


Payback

by I_ship_larry_oh_ke



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M, Niall is a Good Friend, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicidal Harry, The Tomlinson Twins, Triggers, i don't know why i wrote this it's so sad, just really emotional, really sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 21:14:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12896961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_ship_larry_oh_ke/pseuds/I_ship_larry_oh_ke
Summary: Harry hated his life. But it gets even worse when he meets the Tomlinson twins. Harry doesn't know what he did wrong to them, but whatever it is he really regrets it since it made his life hell. But there are some times where Harry can't help but admire one of the twins that makes his head spin: Louis. They do say that there's a thin line between love and hate, but what side is Harry truly on? Or does Harry really just want payback?Please read this I suck at summaries lmao..........





	Payback

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:
> 
> This story will be boyxboy so again if you aren't interested then there should be a button to leave somewhere around here. This story will include bullying, anxiety (possible attacks) and depression, and things like that, so if you're easily triggered by these topics then please be mindful if you don't listen to author warnings (like me) and choose to read this anyway because "Hey more Larry", or don't read this. 
> 
> ................
> 
> ENJOY LMAO THIS IS REALLY SAD

Everything was silent. Everything was perfect and silent. Sitting on the edge of a lake with my feet in the water, the breeze in my hair, and the lush, green grass underneath me. It was all perfect. It was my own little paradise that was just a dream away. I never had moments like this in my life, that's why I was so glad I could dream of them.  
But just like in reality, nothing lasts forever. Suddenly the bright sun was covered by dark, stormy clouds. The grass that was once so green and alive was now brown and dying. The winds were ferocious as I tried to stand and escape. I watched as the water turned into a dark abyss that was calling my name. I tried to fight it, I really did, but the wind was stronger than me. I was pushed into the water and I instantly felt myself sinking.  
It was as if I had weights chained onto my body. I was sinking so rapidly, and the deeper I got, the more images I saw and the more my thoughts raced. The water started to fill my lungs as I saw one of- no, the worst memory of my life replay before me.  
I was walking into class just like any other day, but as soon as I opened the door all eyes were on me. I didn't really know why, but something wasn't right. It felt like they knew. I slowly walked to my seat in the front row and even my teacher looked at me with a mixture of pity and disgust. I couldn't focus on anything but the thoughts swimming in my head, and even those were too fast for me to comprehend.  
I had never wanted to skip school more than that day, but it only got worse. My next class was religion, and then the whispers started. My only friend at the time, Niall, came up to me and said quietly "Everyone knows, Harry." Nothing. I said and did absolutely nothing. I mean what could I do? I don't even remember if I was even breathing, but I do remember wishing that I wouldn't ever again. I just felt numb. I felt absolutely nothing and I felt even more wrong about myself because of it.  
So I left. I ran into the bathroom after figuring out how to move my legs again. My whole body just felt like dead weight, and I just wanted to collapse into the darkness surrounding me. I cried like a baby and the voices in my head didn't quite like that.  
"This is it." That was the only sentence I could say or think of. That and: "You need to die."  
I didn't tell anybody my plan, no one would care anyway. I walked home, but I only remember going in my room and sitting on my bed thinking about my life and if I really wanted to do this. I do. I need to. So I grabbed the rope I had hid in my closet so long ago, and I tied it up. All the while I was thinking of what would happen when someone found me.  
I didn’t recognize the boy in front of me anymore. He was weak, skinny, tired, a ghost of what I used to be. The ghost of what I had tried so hard to get back. A failure. A coward. Me.  
"Stop thinking, just do it already." I never thought I'd let the voice in my head win, but it looks like it did. I was about to kick the chair out from under me when I heard it: sirens, footsteps pounding up the stairs, and my name being yelled by numerous voices.  
Just as the chair had fallen, I was tackled to the ground by Niall. He had tears streaming down his face and as I turned to my bedroom door I saw my mother on the ground sobbing and saying "Oh, God, no! Please no, not my baby." I felt anger flow through my veins. They ruined everything.  
I wanted to scream, yell, and fight my way out of Niall's grip, but I couldn't move. I was numb. And it was all because my little secret wasn't a secret anymore.  
I woke up with tears streaming down my face, soaking my pillow and reminding me that I was still here in the hell I call life. I looked to my right and frowned. 3:45 AM.   
I stood up from my bed and went to my closet to get changed. I needed to get away. I put on some shoes and walked down the stairs to my front door. As I opened it the cool autumn wind met my face and I felt all my nerves go away.   
I stepped out into the world that I despised and started walking. I may hate the world but at night, when everyone’s asleep and in their homes, its actually peaceful. I put in my earbuds and shuffled my music. I closed my eyes and suddenly images appeared in my head. Images of that day.  
I shook my head almost as to shake the thoughts out of my head, but they were still inked into my brain. Every second. Every word. Everything. I began to walk faster and I soon found a small playground.  
I sat down on one of the swings and looked down at my shoes. I tugged on the sleeves of my hoodie as I felt tears begin to prick in the corners of my eyes.   
“Of course. Just go ahead and cry some more you little baby.” I groaned and sat up. I looked into the sky and saw all the stars staring right back at me. I felt the first tear fall down my cheek and sighed. They won. I thought to myself. The tears started falling faster now and I couldn't have stopped them if I tried. So I let them fall, not putting up a fight or protesting what so ever. I didn’t make a noise, didn’t move. I couldn't, see it's moments like these where I take time to evaluate my life and every aspect of it. I'm getting worse. Yes, I used to be happy but that's in the past. I'm still numbing the pain with whatever I can get my hands on. I'm losing my mind and with it, my hope. I just feel so alone and I can't take it anymore. I stood up and started to walk home. I had been crying for who knows how long and I needed to go back home before my mom woke up.  
I opened the quietly made my way to my room. It wasn't a secret that I was wealthy, or blessed as my Christian parents always said. I rolled my eyes at the thought of them and shut the door to my room. I started pacing. Should I really do this? I know I'm not getting better but do I really need to throw this all away for a single urge. "Yes. Yes you do." I shook my head and started to hit my hands against it. This was the hardest part of being me. Fighting. I always lost in the end but for some reason I always fought my thoughts. After losing for the millionth time, I opened up my bedside table's top drawer and grabbed it. A box cutter. I smiled without knowing and sat down on my bed. It was 4 AM, nobody would be awake so there was so reason to hide. I rolled up my sleeves and looked at my arms. "Ugly, disgusting, gross, horrible, worthless." I groaned as my mind raced with other similar words.  
Gripping the box cutter tight in my hand I pushed the blade out of its holder and placed it on my arm. I slowly dragged it across my arm numerous times, horizontally and vertically. My arm looked horrible, but I was used to it. I knew it wasn't serious enough to be sent to the hospital, but I still needed to clean it and bandage it. But I couldn't. My parents locked up the medicine closet so I wouldn’t use any to harm myself or worse. Looking at my arm I knew it would hurt and maybe get infected, but I didn't care. I never did. I just wanted to hurt myself, that was it.  
Carefully, I rolled my sleeves back down. I winced as the cloth of my shirt touched the new marks on my body, but I shook it off and put the box cutter away. Crawling back into bed, I looked at my phone. No New Messages. I sighed and looked at the ceiling. Before I fell back asleep, I thought to myself, when will this end? Will it? I didn't know the answers right now but a part of me felt something I hadn't felt in a while, hope.

-  
Waking up the next morning was hard. I almost slept through my alarm and missed my bus, but the worst part of this morning was the feeling I got in my stomach when she smiled brightly at me and I lied straight to her face. I love my family to death. Lying to them hurts me, but it feels better than telling the truth and seeing the looks on their faces when they realize they weren't enough for me. I was starting a new school today and I was scared. I didn't know if I be ok but it had to be better than before. I walked to my first class but on the way there I was stopped by a large crowd. I looked into the circle and saw a fight going on. It seemed pretty even but one of the boys looked at me and got distracted. He started to get punched over and over and fell to the floor. I walked away, not wanting to see anymore. I got to my first class successfully and went to the back of the class. I looked out of the window next to me and started to think. I wondered what it would be like to not have to lie to everybody, to not be alone all the time, to have a friend, to be loved. I heard someone clear their throat above me and I slowly turned to face them. I felt my eyes widen and my heart rate speed up. Not from love or lust, but in fear. The person standing in front of me was the one from the hallway, the one from the fight. He looked slightly beaten and bloody and I was terrified. He looked down at me in confusion and I couldn't move. "You're in my seat." He stated simply. He didn't seem mad or upset, just confused. I could feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment as I gathered my things and stood up. "S-Sorry." I mumbled softly.  
I stood up to move but before I could get too far I tripped over my feet and fell to the floor. The class roared in laughter and I wanted to cry. I stood up quickly and rushed to my new seat. I knew any chance I had at making a new friendship was out the window, but something was calling me to look back. I turned slightly, tears welling up in my eyes, and I saw the boy from the fight with the same confused expression on his face. He looked to the laughing classmates then to me only this time our eyes connected, and my breath hitched in my throat. I couldn't read him this time, he had wiped all emotion from his face but I could feel that he could read mine like an open book. He averted his eyes to the opening door and I watched as the teacher came into the door. I knew this was going to be a long day.  
As soon as the bell rang, I was out the door and in the hallway that was quickly filling up with students. I began to feel nervous and felt my breathing quicken. No, no, no not now. Not today. I thought to myself. Before I knew it I was crowded in a herd of students and had nowhere to go. My head was spinning and I started to hyperventilate. I looked around desperately, looking for any place I could go. I saw a janitor's closet and knew that was my only choice. I moved as fast as I could with my wobbly knees and shaking body to get to the door. Grabbing the handle I pulled the door open and went inside. I leaned against a rack of cleaning supplies and tried to breathe, but all I could focus on were the thoughts swimming around my head. You're so worthless. Why are you still alive? Everyone hates you. You're a worthless piece of shit. You're so stupid you can't even kill yourself properly. The last one hit me hard, and suddenly I felt wetness on my face. I was crying. I knew this would happen, I knew it would win. It always does. I took my backpack off my shoulders and placed it on the ground. Unzipping it, I found what I was looking for. A pencil sharpener. I didn't have a screwdriver but I didn't need it. I had done this enough times to find many loopholes. I grabbed a pen from my pencil pouch and rammed it into the hole you put your pencil in. I pushed as hard as I could against the metal blade, trying to get it out. It broke in half and easily fell out of its plastic casing. I shakily grabbed it and rolled up my sleeves. I looked at my arms and saw what I had done the night before. Cuts new and old littered every part of my arm. I looked at my left arm, the one I hadn't injured the night before, and placed the piece of the blade I had onto the scarred flesh. I dragged it across my arm and smiled at the sight of bright red blood appearing.  
This continued for a while, and I eventually had to stop because I didn't want to miss my next class. I dropped the pencil sharpener parts into my backpack, pulled down my sleeves and braced myself to open the door. It was much quieter than before so I knew most people were gone. I opened the door and took a look around. The halls were mostly empty now so I grabbed my bag and began my trek to my second class. On the way there I realized something, I don't really want to die. I truly don't plan on wanting to either. I just don’t want to exist. But to be honest, I think that's worse because that means I'm stuck here being miserable, and I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. Besides hurting myself that is. If someone would've told me when I was younger that I would end up like this: depressed, self-harming, and have to constantly battle with my mind, I would've never believed them. I used to be so happy as a child, but I suppose we all have to grow up after a while. We can't always live in tree houses and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches like it's our life line, but we can't live in the past either. We have to grow up. We grow up and pull our sleeves down to cover the secrets that we made, and we lie through our eyes to make people believe we're alright. We end up sitting in the darkness cowering in fear from our own thoughts and urges and- stop. I need to stop. I can't think of these things anymore. I found my way to my next class, just in time fro the bell to ring. I walked to the nearest empty desk and rested my head in my hands. I couldn't wait for this day to be over with.  
Finally the day was over and after two more classes I was ready to go home and sleep. I think I deserved it after the long day I had endured. I made my way to the bus and sat in the back of it. I leaned my head up against the window and put my earbuds in. I started playing some slow music and closed my eyes. I felt the bus start to move and soon I was on my way home. On the bus ride home I got a text from Niall. Niall was always there for me, it was as if he somehow knew when I had bad days or needed a friend. And now was one of those times. Hey, Harry! How was your first day at the new school? Hope it wasn't too bad for ya:) I smiled sadly at the text and typed a response. It was fine, Nialler. Thanks for asking. I hoped he wouldn't see through the lie and that he would start talking about something new, but as always things just can't go my way. Bullshit. Harry, I'm not going to force you to tell me anything but please just know that I'm here if you need anything. I was so happy that I had him as a friend. He understood me but also he didn't. He was my best friend and I couldn't ask for more. The bus came to my stop and I walked to my house. I knew my parents weren't home so I went upstairs to take a much needed nap. I crawled in bed and Pulled the cover up to my chin. I closed my eyes and soon drifted to sleep.  
Darkness. It was all I could see. Everywhere I turned I saw pitch black and Ii was terrified. I began walking forward to try and find something. Anything. After a few steps my hand touched a wall and I stopped. I tried to feel my way around but I couldn't make out anything other than a wall. Suddenly I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and I saw it. I tried to will it away but I couldn't. Nothing I did could get it to go away or stop tempting me. I tried with all my might, I really did but I just couldn't. See not even in my dreams could I escape. What I saw was a chair and a rope above it. I stopped crying and walked towards the chair. It was at this moment where I realized that wasn't strong anymore. I wasn't brave either, I was broken. They had broken me. I stood on the chair and took a deep breath before placing the rope around my neck. It wasn't like it mattered, I mean it's not like I was truly alive. I wasn't dead but I wasn’t alive either, I was just a ghost with a beating heart and I hated it. I'm not living. I've given up on living, I'm just trying to get to the next day, just living on the thought of tomorrow. I'm not living, I'm waiting. And the problem is I don't know what I'm waiting for. And I'm pretty scared to find out what it is.  
Just as I was about to kick the chair away from my feet, I woke up. I was confused and scared. I had never had a dream like that before. I had never truly wanted to die. I felt my breathing speed up and I tugged at my hair. I needed to tell someone, I had to. This was getting too serious to keep to myself. They would never care about you or your problems. I groaned as I kept hearing similar thoughts, but I knew it was right. They were too happy with me being "better", I couldn't hurt them like that. I just have to keep my thoughts to myself and not hurt anyone anymore. It's not like they would understand anyway.  
I looked down at my body and grimaced. I had cut a little deeper today and they were looking irritated. I hate this. I hate that I'm this fucked up. I hate that I'm such a failure that I feel the need to punish myself with a razor. But most of all I hated myself. I hate everything about me. This is my life. This is depression. Living with depression is like watching people breathing but instead your blue lips inhale words of self-hatred and you know you should be able to fill your lungs with fresh oxygen like everyone else but you can't. And the worst part is people mistaking your frantically rising chest as inhaling when really you're suffocating. I felt a single tear run down my face and this is when I realized that maybe some people aren't meant to be saved. 

-  
After that dream I saw things in a whole new light. My look on the world and my life was changed and I was scared. My mind was taking over and I was terrified, but at the same time I was accepting it. I agreed with it and that was what scared me the most. I really wanted to die, or at least that’s what my mind was telling me, and I agreed with it for the first time in my life. I walked into my first class and took a seat at my desk while I took out my earbuds and my homework from the night before. I've spent two years of my life telling myself I was getting better but now I'm realizing that I'm not and I don’t think I can handle this by myself anymore. I miss the old, happy me but he is gone forever. I'm just done. So fucking done with everything. I was done with feeling so useless and unimportant and depressed. That’s what this is right? Depression. The word leaves a bitter taste on my tongue as I mumble it quietly and let it invade my thoughts with its rotten meaning and purpose. I'm depressed. I want to scream, yell, punch a wall, pull my hair out, cry. But I can't. I wouldn't want my depression to get any worse now would I?  
I feel someone staring at me and I look up with my bloodshot eyes. I see him. The boy from the fight. The boy that didn't laugh at me like everyone else. Only this time he was with someone else. Someone that looks just enough like him that I begin to think they were brothers, but I'm not quite sure of it. When he notices he's been caught staring, he turns back to the person he was with and finishes up his conversation. He walks in the classroom and I notice him walk over to me. "Who are you?" It's a simple enough question. One with an easy answered. One that I've answer millions of times before. But I opted for a different answer this time. This time I opted for, "I'm nobody."

**Author's Note:**

> IM SORRY BUT HOPEFULLY THAT WAS DECENT HA


End file.
